Life of Zanna by Emily Jane Hodgkin

Author:Emily Jane Hodgkin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Black & White Publishing

The Present

In Paige and Shane’s flat

I don’t wake, because I’m not asleep. I can’t sleep with Shane’s body next to me. He breathes, and I count the breaths, not dozing for the dread taking up residence in my stomach. It wiggles and agitates, like a family of mice have set up in there. I’m not hungry. I haven’t been hungry for days. A diet of Coke Zero sustains me.

Giving up on sleep entirely, I take two diazepam from the bedside table. My anxiety is the worst it’s been. I’m running out. It’s going to be a hard sell on my GP to get more. I pace to the living room, put my head against the window. Why are some stragglers on the way home singing I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day? Ah, yes. It’s the 25th.

I’ve been up since 4.13 a.m. Bad dream, though it hardly needs to be said. When are my dreams not, you know, bad? Blood and black hair, gold jewellery. Hyperventilating sobs that aren’t mine. Zanna’s voice calling for someone. Shane won’t be up for another half an hour or so. He went out with some gym friends last night, so he told me. Merry Christmas.

Six sleeps until the documentary goes live. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to appear on a blog, in the news, something about me. I’ve been playing pen pal with my anonymous correspondent. They send back short replies.

Why are you doing this? I’d asked.

Cus I fucking hate you.

Going mad, I’ve guessed all sorts of culprits, even — during one evening when perhaps I’d taken one too many diazepam — Zanna’s ghost, emailing from beyond the grave. But Zanna would never write “cus”. Angela wouldn’t either. I wonder if perhaps I don’t know this person at all. Perhaps a complete stranger has made a shot in the dark. Here I am, worrying over nothing. Maybe I’ll laugh about this later. Still, I wait for a response to my last email.

What do you want?

Nothing. No response so far. It’s like a taunt, being kept waiting for news I don’t want.

I check Prattle, another daily obsession, a ritual of self-flagellation. Of course, there are some positive comments, but I only ever focus on the bad. The wild theories flew back and forth, strangers discussing my innocence.

I know the police timeline checks out, but I wonder if there’s another way for Paige to have done it. To have killed Zanna for the blog. After all, Zanna’s mother said after she died how Paige was asking for more credit on the blog. That Zanna wanted to fire her. I call that motive.

We’ve got no evidence Paige knew Zanna wanted to fire her, though. It’s hardly enough to claim someone is a murderer.

I think she did it for Shane. Maybe she killed Zanna and emotionally manipulated him in his time of grief?

I think it’s weird no one looked at Shane a bit more. I thought the partner was always the first suspect.

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